This is an anonymous story about the struggles and pain women face in leadership. Read the introduction to this series written by Nay Dawson here.
Amy’s story
Today I am where God has called me to be in ministry. But it has been a long and sometimes painful journey, I often felt lost, discouraged, and lonely.
From a young age I have been the kind of person that loves to get involved. I have had opportunities to do evangelistic talks and been a leader at many Christian camps. I loved theology, God’s mission and faith and by the age of 19 I started as a student at a theological faculty. Starting a theology course came as a surprise to everyone and I quickly understood that as a woman this was both rare and controversial.
“The women’s role in ministry is a challenging subject and I was a grey zone for many”
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During this time it was difficult to find qualified mentors as there weren’t many women to ask. The men around me were reluctant or had principles about not having female mentees. For some years I stood alone as a young woman, finding my way without a lot of support and as a controversial figure.
Judged more harshly
I found that in my leadership and preaching I had to prove to others that God had called and qualified me. Each time I gave a talk I had to do a really good job and deliver to perfection as I knew that I would get a harder judgement than the younger men. People would say to me they did not have anything against me personally or theologically, but that they just preferred men. They thought that men would speak more truthfully about the Bible and they felt that men would not be controlled by their feeling’s (as women are). Even though I disagree with them it has been burden and a heavy pressure to succeed. I have found the freedom to serve God’s church but I have not always found the same freedom in the church.
Overlooked and frustrated
I want to share one of the hard experiences I have had on the way. I was asked to be part of a leadership team as a volunteer and to give 10 hours a week. I was so happy and with my flexible hours as a student I enjoyed the opportunity to serve my church. I was on the team for almost a year, yet during that time I never became a part of the work the team was doing. I wasn’t invited to the team meetings, instead I was running errands for pastors and other leaders in the church. I was overlooked and frustrated. So, I would ask when I could get involved with the tasks I had been invited to do.
When the year as a volunteer ended no one said ‘thank you’ or infact anything. Instead I was called in for a meeting to evaluate my time on the team. I tried to share my disappointment and that I didn’t understand why they had excluded me from their meetings and work. In response the team leader said to me, that I had not been invited because I was a critical and negative person. He did not recall to have seen me happy or positive at any point. So to protect the team and himself from my bad vibes he chose to not get me involved. That was his experience of me.
I was shocked and tears ran from my eyes. He said that he didn’t say this to upset me rather he wanted to help me, by telling me how everyone else was seeing me. I was young and enterprising, but he suggested that I should step into the background and change myself. He suggested I should make it possible for others to like me and that if I did this I would not be so intimidating on others. It was no surprise to him that I (at that time) was single because no man would like to be together with a woman like me. I left the place tearful and broken.
My first reaction was to never get myself involved ever again so no one should experience ‘me’. But after talking to a dear and close friend about my experience, I realized that maybe I wasn’t the problem. She shared that another young woman from church had had a similar experience and that she as my friend couldn’t recognize the image of me that he had portrayed. He had taken advantage of being the leader and broke me. I left that specific church but I couldn’t give up on Gods bigger church. God was still calling me even though I after that experience I was very confused about my role as a woman in church.
Standing by God’s grace
Even though I am often discouraged I somehow find the strength and courage to carry on. For me it is only by the grace of God I am still standing. God has given me the strength to continue in ministry. He has continued to call me into serving Him with the gifts He has given me. God has also provided close friends and a mentor along the way that have made the whole difference. If they had not walked with me in all this, I most definitely would have left the Church and ministry. But God has called me to share and use the knowledge I have accomplished through my theological training. Still today I often have to repent from letting the fear of other people control my thoughts and actions. I still need to rely on God, that he will send me and provide for me on the way. I have had so many great experiences that all the discouragements are nothing compared with powerful things I have seen God do. I still carry the scars from painful experiences that have been a part my journey, but today I see myself through the eyes of Jesus, and that has healed me.
“I still carry the scars from painful experiences that have been a part my journey, but today I see myself through the eyes of Jesus, and that has healed me” Amy
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Nay Dawson 